| dork |
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| 01:54pm 09/04/2006 |
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mood:  excited music: girl next door= saving jane
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Ok so i've been getting more hours at work but i still want another job. i mean this hour hike i'm sure will only last so long. i need to pay off all my debts by next summer when i get married cause who knows where i'll be or what i'll be doing then. New kid ben at work is cool, turns out he's good friends with one of my oldest friends Lisa. we're gonna go out soon it'll be awesome!! Mike is over now playing video games with andy. Yeah mom and dad boght him a 400 dollar 360 last week along with a 50 game and 50 controller. SPOILED!!! but he's worth it. Him and mike ave been spending a lot of time together that means a lot to me. i couldnt marry him if they didn't get along. Sometimes i feel out of the loop even when we're together, but i liek that they have so much to talk about and i love the way miek treats him. so dad said this summer coiming to the fair :toby keith, rascall flatts, keith urban, carrie underwood. i'm gonna ave to not spend any more money. i wish i spoke more languages fluently. this summer i'm going to write an outline of history includeing what texts are relevant to the time period and what was happening. i'm such a dork.
i think today we're going to oneida shores to check out this lodge for the reception. i love dancing and high heels.
went shopping with jenn the other day it was nice getting girl time. i bought a white June cleaver dress and necklace. mike took me out to dinner the next night to show me off in it. i love him so much. i love being a girl. i love 50's shoes. |
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| 11:10pm 11/03/2006 |
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mood:  creative music: "size matters" -joe nichols
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today i worked it was nice it was mainly me working near Lynn and all girls. lots of girly gossip time i love my job!! Then i went home, took a nap, wrote a song- still workin on guitar big time for it, then i went ot Barnes n Noble with mike for a whiel. i saw what he needs to be able to do what he wants for Special FOrces stuff. We've got a LOT of work to do which means i'll have a lot to do too cause i dont wanna just watch him work out that's retarded. I guess there's a big chance we'd either be stationed in England or Japan. Can u imagine me in Japan, well i'd never go to see a movie cause they're movies are crazy.
Tomorrow i'm getting up and going to church with Mikey, then olive garden for lunch with his friends, and then work till 8. I might skip kareoke tomorrow i think i'll be tired.
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| 07:21pm 04/03/2006 |
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mood:  cheerful music: Honky Tonk Budunkadunk
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Right now I'm w atching "history of the world part One" with my 2 favorite guys. mike and my baby bro Andy Pandy. We jst came back from going to the arcade with Lynn and Rob. fun times i love them. Kareokee tomorrow night = Sweet. I'm very happy right now.
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| i'm the blade and ur the paper |
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| 10:21pm 18/02/2006 |
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mood:  crazy
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SO i feel like by not being able to be mean i hurt ppl even worse, especially the ppl i want so much to be happy. i wrote two quick poems today. nothing great in fact i didnt even re-read them or spell check but i will post them because i know most ppl r far to lazy to read a poem anyways let alone 2.
I don’t know what I did to deserve you
But I know you’re not something I deserve
But still u stay
When all the clouds that seal my soul fade
And u can see me as well as anyone
Through the insecurities and fake smiles
I don’t believe I fool you
Even when I fool myself
If only u knew how much I need you
And if only you knew how I’ve never needed anyone
I wanna punch you away until you give up and hold me tight
I wanna squeeze you until you kiss me so hard I get dizzy
I want to feel ur heartbeat through my veins
Flushing away my impurities
So I am clean enough for you
I’m sorry I’m so much like myself sometimes
I wish I could be stronger for you
I wish I could be brave and indifferent
But I care
I care so hard my heart could burst
Into all the millions of pieces I’ve rented out
If only I could put them all back together
I’d give them all to your keeping
poem 2
There I did it again
Forgot to breath
It seems you take away my involuntary motions
Because I’m so focused on giving myself to you
If you will have me
If u will have every crazy part of me
Even when I throw myself at u so strong
I could knock u over
If ur arms weren’t always there to catch me
And keep me from crashing to the floor
When I get to high with the thought of you
Except for the one time
When u tricked me into leaping onto you
And then u stepped aside so I fell
But u grabbed me before I hit the ground
U always catch me before I hit the ground
I got up and punched you
Because u wouldn’t stop laughing
And you deserved to be punched
But my little fists don’t do much damage
I would never wanna do u much damage
But I’m sure in my own way i will accidentally crush you
With my massive imagination and lack of tact
And endless supply of zingers about ur mom
When in truth I like ur mom
But not nearly as much as I like you
Which is a million times more than I like peanut butter cups
And I never thought I’d love anything more than peanut butter cups |
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| 10:01am 18/01/2006 |
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mood: ecstatic music: you and me- lifehouse
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So i finally got SOME answers from OCC...stupid mother fuckers. i guess my loan was approved the 13 and it should take 7-9 days to get there which means at the fastest it would get here the 20th which is the last fucking day to register so chances of me registering on time = zero. however on a great note i met my english teacher in the store and i've never seen him there before i take this as a favor from the big guy up above, and he said he'd love to have me in his class however, his dept can't write ppl in so he said start coming to class and when someone drops i can register in and it'll be all good , if not he is teacher english lit over summer. i love my eng teacher as oddly quirky as he is, but he is insanley intelligent. i love smart ppl and mike says he's probably jumping for joy im gonna be in his class again haha. so if i take this now then i have science and yoga over summer it'll be short and sweet. i'm excited im FINALLY almost done.
then i'm getting married and moving to either texas,florida,alaksa,london,or germany- it is still undecided seeing as we dont even know when he'll be done with basic. BUT OMG i'm finally getting out of this place and with the most wonderful man in the world i couldn't be happier.
did i mention once we're married the govn't pays for 75% of my school, so if we have the money i'm gonna take a year off and take like 21 credits a semester or so to shorten it up a lil then i'll quickly get my bachelors in 1 1/2 years then i can be a teacher and get my masters at night then start poppin out babies.
GOD i'm soooo fucking happy!!!!
P.S. mike and i are debating skipping the reception and just going right from the weding to Italy. we're not sure if u have an opinion on this lemme know.
 AHHH..FLorence |
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| 09:17pm 30/12/2005 |
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So i thought putting together a weddingwouldbe super fun andexcited,boy im naive!! there are so many millionsofdetails and expenses it's ridiclous. all i want to do is be with mike idk whywe dont just elope.i think we're going to t he recruiter this week to set everything in place. |
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| golly gosh |
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| 08:59pm 10/12/2005 |
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mood: peaceful music: "big brass bed" josh gracin
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Jen left me an adorable message on my last entry she is SO uber cute!! So now that it's about break i can start reading all the books i want ot read, ya know the ones that will actually make me smarter cause i'll pay attention i have on called "The Western Mind" it's about the birth of western philosophy gary gave it to me for x-mas last year and ive been maing to get into it for a while. i've decided to make a list, a double sided list of the smart ppl books i want ot read alongside the "easy brainer" ones. for example i'm going to read Martin luther king's "why we cant wait" alongside "nigger" by the guy who wrote it. then im gonan read "the comic history of rome" along with "eldest". i'm such a dork that i plan my break around reading i need a life. SO i got mikey sooo much stuff for x-ma i spent about 200 on clothes man hes gonna look so amazingly hot n stylish droooooll. then i got him 2 books on traveling to italy and a leather bound travel notebook just liek the one in indiana joens and the last crusade(aka the good one). i got him a pocket translator too that has italian in it and im gonan grab him a few more lil travel things if i can. i still gotta get mom n dad n andy n tom stuff. idk what to get anyone this year. mom n dad already got me snow tires this week which is my big present but i dont care if i get anything else really. I'm just excited to see mike's face when he opens my gifts i love him sooo much. Over break we're going to the air force recruiters. idk why i find it kinds funny that anyone is in the army fills out a sentence then goes in to the air force, does that count as cheating?!? One thing about him going into the air force is he'll get in shape again, dont get me wrong i love him completly as he is but i've seen the pics of him in shape and GOD DANM he is a sexy beast, even more so than now. But i have to get in shape too this morning i weighed in at like 150 i prob shouldt say that online but whatever i dont pretend to be teeny. The other day Mike called me his lil trophy wife hah i guess when i'm not around his dad refers to me as his bride like "you going to get ur bride?" hahah i love his family they're soo much fun, even though his dad and pete are always sneaking up on me. I'm getting more used to it. OMG the other week when pete was home i did sumthin i never thought i'd do..i fired a gun...and i loved it, oh man i killed that pumpkin dead haha!! So i might be moving this summer but i guess if u read this ur prob close enough to me to know it. We're gonan see the recruiter and if Mike decides he is gonna go into the air force, which he's pretty positive he will then we're getting married after the semester ends and i'll be going with himto where he's stationed. He's so cute u know how he has his flashbacks of afganistan when he sleeps, well lately he's been having a lot of conversations were he either tells me how much he loves me or he talks ot someone else about me, all while sleeping and he never remembers. Well, the other night at Dawn's he was talking to me like he was back in Iraq but he was married to me and he was telling "me" aka whoever he saw in his dream about how he had to get back to me cause i was his world and how georgous i was and how he had to have armor over his heart cause that's where he kept my picture because i am his heart and he pulled back h is shirt to show me. In his dream he told me he had married me a year before and he couldnt wait to get home ot me and start a family and liek all this absolutly adorable stuff. god i love this man. It's insane to think in a few months I'll be Mrs. Rewakowski
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| 03:07pm 24/11/2005 |
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Dance Dance!!
love
people i love
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| 02:50pm 24/11/2005 |
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mood:  loved music: random mix mike made for me
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I love Mike x a million + 1 |
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| 10:13am 04/11/2005 |
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mood: excited music: Bonnie MkGee- when it all comes down
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Wow a lot hs happened in the last week. So last Friday i went with Jenny and Carla and Mike to see this indie "drivers wanted" movie haha it sucked so bad we didnt even stay for the whole thing!! Then Mike and i went to Denny's till about 3:30 in the morning, then he didnt wanna say goodbye so we walked around my neighborhood until 5 in the morning. OMG we had the best conversation i just love talking to him and he LOVES that i'm smart and he lOVES the things i say and he says hes not intimidated by how smart i am its why he likes me. like he told me the other night he never thought he had a chance in hell with me cause the first day of class he thought "god she's beautiful" then he said when i opened my mouth he thought "holy shit she's wicked intelligent too" HAHAH it's crazy to think i could make a guy nervous, or that a guy would think he didn't have a chance with me, i don't see myself like that. INSANE!!! SO yeah i've seen him everyday for a week now. Like wendsday and thursday i had dinner with his family. his mom is adorable i like his family and they LOVE me haha they tell him he finally got it right and to hold on to me AWWWW!! I made him dinner yesterday. i made him linguini with shrimp in a garlic/white wine sauce. He LOVED it he even asked for more and told me like 10 times how much he liked it AWWW. for once someone appreciates my cooking, ya know the whole 3 things i know how to make hahaha. He told me yesterday he loved me, i said it back but i'm not really ready to say it i need to talk to him about that. I know he loves me though he almost cries lookin at me sometimes i can tell. The cutest thing is when we're in the car and he sqeezes me hand so tight i can feel his heartbeat. I made him a mixed cd and its liek all he listens too haha cute!! he swears he loves every song on it, he prob does cause we seem ot have the exact same taste in music just about he LOVES country YIPPEEEEE!!! God who'd ever think a hippie like me would ever like a soldier, he even has a purple heart which is HOT even though he plays it off as nothing.
This weekend = Gettysburg + Awesome Friends = Awesome Adventures!!! |
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| MONO |
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| 10:46pm 23/10/2005 |
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mood:  sick music: Lifehouse "everything" and "you and me"
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I have mono it sucks majorly!! i told john i hated my body and he's like "NO WAY you're body is Awesome, don't even think that" HAHA im like "John i meant cause i'm sick and feel gross" Other than that I'm good. Friday was great. Saw AJ at work, then went shopping with jeff, carla, and x-tina. then AJ met us at the mall and we saw DOOM. It was not as bad as i thought. The next 2 weekends are gonna rock!! Next weekend = jeff's part-A it'll be awesome plus i look ridiculously sexy in my costume haha BLASPHAMOUS!!The next weekend Gettysburg with friends! it'll be awesome i picked random ppl who dont knwo each other than i knew id love to go with!!! YAAY!! I'm so happy about whos going, life isawesome sometimes.
P.S. AJ = simply wonderful
I'm in love with this song:
Lifehouse "Everything" |
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| Books |
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| 12:17am 18/10/2005 |
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mood:  curious music: singing to myself
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I love all these little online quizzes that tell you if he's the right one, or how in love you are. HAHAH oh man they are funny. cause aparently everything that happens in a relationship can be summed up in a few answers to like 5-15 questions.If my life was that simple, if relationships were that simple i think i'd shoot myself. I'm not saying i'm addicted to crazy drama but i mean if even a month worth of spending time with someone can be summed up in 5 lil questions then life is no longer worth living. If what a guy buys me for my birthday directly corresponds to his level of love then i don't want ot be in love. Especially since i'm not typical. I don't like flowers because they die, i don't like chocolate cause...ok well i would take chocolate, i don't need jewelry i already have amazing stuff that means a lot to me. If a guy loved me he'd know to get me a book, and he'd know what kind of book to get me. I love the smell of books, and they don't die, and you can re-read them over and over, i just think books are better. Flowers die, chocolates get devoured, and jewelry is overrated, but ideas they can be savoured, and you can read your kids stories over and over, call me a total dork i just think books are the most romantic thing (especailly early 20th century writers, shaw,wilde,emerson,thoreau, bryant, etc. OR fantasy writers) If a guy ever asked me out by buying me a book, and writing "will u go out with me?" in the cover i would marry him...i would jump right from dating to just eloping!! |
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| 03:20pm 17/10/2005 |
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mood: content music: She's my kind of Rain-Tim McGraw
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So i guess that time comes for all of us periodically where u think, "Is this Me?" i've always been the kind of person who knows exactly who they are, because i work at being exactly who i want to be. I'm not the kind of person to look back and regret things, i beleive that anything lost in the name of adventure or love does not count as lost, but traded, and even if you come out with a nickle where there was a dollar you'll have 95 cents worth of stories. There are a few things i suppose i wholeheartedly beleive that i will list at the end of this. But lately i feel like there has been so much drama just swirling around me like a cloud that won't go away, coming in with fog and raining then stepping back and then thunder and lighting, repeatedly. I'm starting to look and find that many of this is probably my fault because i let it go on. I say i'm not the kind of person to deal with this but apparently i have been. I trust so much in the goodness of people that i allow myself to see good things when they are not there, and often i deal with all this crap only to have my vision of what i was holding onto shattered with just a few words. The worst part is i never really take my own advice, I'm no the kind of person who doesn't see it coming. I see the headlights rushing towards me, i hear the siren, and still i refuse to step off the tracks. Maybe it's the chance of derailing, maybe it's the thrill of disater i'm addicted to but i stay, I'm emotionally masachistic. I think i need to take a break and patch up all the parts of me i've let be demolished. It's so weird for me to hear everyday that I am pretty or that I am beautiful. I'm starting to think it's bad for me, like i put things on myself now that i shouldn't because i feel people expect it of me, there's so many things i do because i feel people just expect it of me. Like I've gotten better and i've finally learned how ot tell people to fuck off but i still think i have a ways to go. I think people, mainly guys, see me just as sex. but what may be worse is i expect it, maybe i even want it because i'm not used to being the pretty one, i was always the smart, funny one. I think i miss that. Fpr so long i wanted to be the kind of girl that guys look at and want to be with because she's beautiful, but now that so many ppl see me like that it's not what i expected i guess. This Friday night we went to Kareoke and i met this guy Mark there, OMG georgous can't even begin. he must have been the most beautiful guy ever to tell me how beautiful he thought i was. Well we talked a lil and ended up making out (did i mention he hasa southern accent and he's a soldier so he has scars which is so hot) and i mean whatever, it's kising. I went outside later expecting my friends to rag on me for being a complete slut about this whole situation but instead Jenn asked me how i did it, like how i meet the most georgous guy in the place and end up kissing him and getting his number and stuff. It hit me then that maybe i actually was as pretty as everyone tells me i am, i mean ME being hit on by this georgous guy over any other girl that was there, that's like amazing!! But when i looked at jen (don't get me wrong i think jenn is beautiful i really utterly do even though i dont think she thinks she is) i know that when guys like her it's because she's funny and smart and a good listener and fun and just wonderful to be with. I didn't feel that i just felt pretty, pretty and empty because i knew that i would probably end up hooking up with mark and that after this weekend he'd go back to his station in the army and i'd never hear from him again. I'm not stupid here's the train coming, and still i let myself go. Idk why I beat myself up over it because when it comes ot anyone else i tell them to go and do crazy things and live and fuck what society says cause you only live once, and life can be long and dull and boring, so when u get the chance do crazy things rack up stories to wazoo because that's all life is a series of moments. Of people, timing, emotions, just a series tied together so u mine as well fill up your life line with as many knots as you can rack up to keep you from slipping away. But i guess it just hit me that i need a break from being this object because i'm losing who i see myself as. I havn't done volunteer work in months, I don't spend as much time with matt as i should, I'm slacking on my school, and i havn't done anything political in too long. I need to just focu on what makes me me again, work on my creation a little, i need to read more and write more. Writing is my therapy and i havn't done it in god knows how long. i never even write much on here but i think maybe i'll start. And not so much of this who i'm dating bullshit but what's really going on in my mind, maybe it's time i actually open up about more than this superficial crap. I need to stop judging myself on how ppl see me cause that didn't used to be who i am, and i love who i am, i think i'm wonderful i would be my best friend in a heartbeat so idk why i care so much. I also need to surround myself with good ppl, not just ppl i see the good in. I want to say thak you now to all the guys in my life who keep me beleiving there are good guys in the world :my best buddy Matt(who i know loves me enough to always tell me how it is whether or not i wanna know),Jason, my lil bro Andy,John,Bill (u have been wonderful lately),Tommy Mandarino (who is always there for me to cry all over and i appreciate it so much)other John, DADDY, i'm sure i'm missing some important ones but these are off the top of my head now. I also love my girls who keep me giggling i love u soo much!!I also decided i need to let Gary go, i love him i know noone will ever understand that but i do i love him on a level i can't explain but we are wrong for each other, he can never give me the life i want. I need to be challeneged or at least kept up to,i need someone who appreciats intelligence, i need someone who will never stop striving to be a better person, i need someone who understands why i want to adopt children from 3rd world countries and volunteer over summers or spend them away from home writing, i need someone who loves to travel and is contempt sitting at a cafe' in Rome just watching ppl not needing to say anything but just soak in life, i need someone who understand that i will never be a typical housewife. Don't get me wrong i want children. I want 2 of my own then to adopt a few. I'm gonna be a teacher and i want to be able to come home to kids and a husband i know is my soulmate, i do want that level of normalcy, and i'll be a good wife and mother i don't question that, but i also need to travel i need to see the world and experience different veiws and ways to live. i want someone who is ok with saving up and spending summers abroad, maybe getting an apartment in europe for a week and just walk around or write or sketch. I need adventure i need to know that my life will not be the same day in day out everyday until i die. I'm not saying i need a rich person either i've always paid for myself i wouldn't know life any other way, i just need a soulmate, and Gary isn't it, he will never understand even half of who i am, and i will never understand his simpleness. I need to let him go, i need to give him permission to move on and stop pulling him back into a life he can't share with me. I guess letting him go was just harder than i thought it would be, but it is time. So I guess what i'm saying is i need to clear my slate, start rewritting who i am right now. I'm going to clean my room, take down a lot of pictures and posters, throw a lot of things out. I think i will read through some quotes too, to heal.
Things I beleive whole heartedly:
A life worth making mistakes is a lot worthier than a life spent doing nothing.
Life is not about finding yourself its about creating yourself.
Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give
For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -aristotle
To be loved, be lovable. -ovid
In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.-F Bacon
The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship. Sir Francis Bacon
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. plato
Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.
Plato
Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it. Confucius
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses. Confucius
Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star. Confucius
It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. Confucius
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. Mahatma Gandhi
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi
You must be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi
You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.
Mahatma Gandhi
Genius is born--not paid. Oscar Wilde
We teach people how to remember, we never teach them how to grow. Oscar Wilde
What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde |
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| update |
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| 03:30pm 09/10/2005 |
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mood: artistic music: mixed
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Update YAY! Ok so i just got back from Rochester where matty and i went ot visit Nikki and see John Stewart!! It was awesome John's act was really great, especailly that crazy christian guy who truly felt the spirit of christ and then ran behind a curtain!! Niki's freinds are all wonderful and gay, gay in the man lovin' way although they did also seem wuite happy especially after all of the "smart juice" HAHA! It was great getting so much time to talk with Matt, idk after i talk to him things always kinda make sense adn i feel better. Like i def feel better about the while Mike thing. Like it's def better us just being friends because frankly he wouldn't treat me well enough and i don't really see him like that now anyways.But i do want us to be good again, and i don't want him to be hurt he really doens't need any more of that right now.So, im making my dad dinner. my mom isn't home,for once,so he wines like a 5 yr old till i make him some spaghetti. Helpless really, but i love him. ANyways, idk i'd like to see Mike today or tomorrow and kinda patch things up between us, i wish i wasn't so emotionally irrational. <3 |
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| Asshole |
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| 08:10pm 26/08/2005 |
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mood:  pissed off music: i hate u fuck u leave me alone-RBF
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I can't even beleive how hurt i am right now. After work i got home and Abby asked if we could make dinner tonight which sounded good to me. So we went and got food for veggie lasagna and some other stuff. Then we came home and went swimming with ben and started to cook. i kept getting a lil upset though because ben kept trying to watch and cooking is something i'm really insecure about and so i didn't want him watching it was just embarassing me and he wouldn't stop. Then his friend charlene called andhe overheard abby and i talking about how much we didn't like her and he got mad. Then he was on the phone and Scarlett came in and he left. i fucking make him a big dinner, which isn't easy for me to take a step outside my comfort zone like that, to try to make him happy and spend time and be close to his family and he LEAVES!! I think i'm gonna leave. i called a friend and they said anytime i need to stay i can, and their family would love me being there. I can't even beleive how mad i am at him, i don't know if there's recovery from this. He made it pretty clear he doesn't love me. |
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| Reinaldo |
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| 03:51pm 25/08/2005 |
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mood: chipper music: Days Go By
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I'm feeling a lot better. Ben and I cuddled a lot last night and got pizza and actually acted like we were a couple that loved each other, it was nice. Plus i have a little money so i can buy some of my books and get a new pair of jeans since all mine are falling off of me and then have enough for Ben and i to go to the movies. I'm happy. Oh PLUS i'v got the crazy hagrid guy for my lab teacher AWESOME and a lab partner already-if i need one. He seems nice and smart which are essential in a lab partner.I feel happy right now. |
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| Where Am I? |
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| 04:56pm 24/08/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: rascall flatts-movin' on
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I wish i wasn't afriad of everything, and more so i wish i didn't shut off when i'm afraid. SO living with Ben is a big relationship step for me, i've never lived with anyone i was dating. I always had the chance of leaving and going home to my sanctuary. Not that it was much of a sanctuary with a mom with anger managment issues who took everything out on me, but still it was there. I'm afraid that i'll mess everything up and i feel i'm shuting off and I don't talk much. I'm not being me cause I'm so confused. i'm not the kind of kid that gets kicked out of their house i'm pretty and smart and hardworking. But i know i shouldn't be upset because it was such a bad environment for me. It's nice being in a home where i don't clench my fists walking in the door in preparation to get yelled at for something. Or being able to sleep through the night without someone waking me up to lecture me about what a horrible failure i am. But i feel i'm not sure how to act around Ben now cause i'm so afraid of this step, i've never been in this situation and i'm not sure how to act. Plus, i already have so much going on in my head right now. I feel like leaving that house has brought out all these horrible memories that i've suppresed for years and now they keep coming back and i try not to think about them or to just deal with them but i don't know how. I mean for years i was told that pretty much everything i did was wrong and how much a disapointment i was and it's hard accepting the fact that it's ok to be who i am and to stop trying to just please everyone like i've been trained to do. I think i need to focus more on Ben and mine's relationship and open up to him more and stop being so closed off.I just don't want to drag him down. I think we're very off right now cause i feel like i'm always in the way and he's taking it as me just ignoring him or thinking that now that i'm out of my house and i have what i want that i don't need him or want to be with him which isn't true at all i'm just confused as to where i am in life. I know i need therapy to help me sort things out cause right now i feel lost and like i'm a disappointment to everyone including myself. Oh and today i saw my mom cause i stopped home to get some things and it was weird, not so much because of what happened but because of how we talk like it didn't. Like nothing is wrong, and that's just another one of her ways to fuck me up, acting like she doesn't care or notice or whatever you wanna call it. We don't talk about things liek normal ppl we just talk like things didn't happen and THING DID HAPPEN. I think Ben wants me to make up with my family but i don't know if i want to. Maybe if i don't talk to her for a whiel mom while finally accept that she isn't right all the time or at least care, or accept that i CAN do things on my own. I think i need the time away to realize I can do things on my own and that my life won't fall apart without her controling everything in my life. I need to meditate and center myself. |
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| Classes |
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| 07:35pm 23/08/2005 |
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mood: calm
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Scool started for me today. My meteorology teacher is ok, seems pretty nice. Amerian lit teacher- i totally love plus i know 2 ppl in class. Pub speacking- teacher is awesome i LOVE her world lit- the teacher is a butt i had him before and he's retarded but GLENN is in my class YAAAY!! plus there's a cool hippie guy who sits behind me FInally my yoga teacher is a registered religious yogi and he's awesome i'm SOOOO excited about this class i feel a little more emotionally balanced already. Ben is out with his friend charlene she's got a sailor's mouth. I hope he has fun, he thought i'd be mad at him for going, but i'm not gonna get jealous of a best friend. |
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| Homeless |
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| 11:11am 22/08/2005 |
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mood:  crushed
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WOW so most people have their hands full with just starting school i also got kicked out of my house. I'm living at Ben's now. I KNOW me kicked out of my house and living with my bf's family so not like my life. So although Ben tries to convince me how ok it is that i'm living there and how great it is to be able to wake up next to me every morning. But still i feel like a burden i mean i feel weird being in his house now that it is my home too. I don't necessarily feel i belong anywhere right now. I said i wanted to grow up i guess i didn't think it would happen like this but maybe it's what i need...such is life. So other than feeling like i don't belong in the world school is starting and i'm excited about that because between that and school I won't have to be "home" too much. The sooner i get an apartment the better but first i need the money. I HATE BEING POOR!! I hate not being able to buy lots of new school clothes. |
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funnysideup's journal
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